Why are we so grumpy?

[Guest]

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[Sherri]

I'm am totally amazed, and confused by something that I notice when reading the Fellow's blogs. They almost all describe the friendliness, compassion, helpfulness, and generosity of the locals in the countries they are working. I am amazed that in countries that have little, people are so friendly, yet in countries like ours (Canada, US, etc)... strangers are often hostile and rarely smile at each other. How often do we see the 'speak English or get out' attitude from people? Heck... in my own apartment building, when I say 'hi' to neighbours as we pass each other going in and out of the door, only about 50% will utter 'hi' back. Half just ignore me despite the fact that I'm only one foot away from them. There certainly is not a general feeling of community or friendliness to strangers - especially those who don't speak the language, and stick out like proverbial sore thumbs.

I realize there are exceptions to every rule. But I cannot imagine an Ugandan coming to North America, unable to speak the language, and being able to return home and tell his friends about the warmth of the people he or she encountered. I've seen exactly the opposite many times.

What exactly do we all have to be so grumpy about? We have so many blessings, but are we really so much unhappier than our counterparts in less developed countries? Does economic prosperity make people selfish, introverted, and less tolerant? I really don't get it.

[Henry]

Move, my neighbors aren't that way. 

[waywardcats]

What exactly do we all have to be so grumpy about? We have so many blessings, but are we really so much unhappier than our counterparts in less developed countries? Does economic prosperity make people selfish, introverted, and less tolerant? I really don't get it.

Hi Sherri,

I think it is not that we are grumpy, but that we are afraid of each other.  We are constantly hearing about bad things happening that we suspect everyone around us.  We live in a culture of fear that we will be pickpocketed, or have our children snatched, our identities taken.  I guess the more you have the more you want to protect it?  I don't think it's right, but that is the culture that we seem to have created in the US.  The question is how do we get back to trusting people we meet that we don't know yet?

-Kerry-

[Sherri]

Hi Sherri,

I think it is not that we are grumpy, but that we are afraid of each other.  We are constantly hearing about bad things happening that we suspect everyone around us.  We live in a culture of fear that we will be pickpocketed, or have our children snatched, our identities taken.  I guess the more you have the more you want to protect it?  I don't think it's right, but that is the culture that we seem to have created in the US.  The question is how do we get back to trusting people we meet that we don't know yet?

-Kerry-

Maybe it's a little of fear. I also suspect it's a lot of the fact that people just don't care, or are so wrapped up in their own issues. Like everyone's sphere of awareness is so tiny...

[KivanSteven]

As someone who works out amongst the public day in and day out, coming into visual contact with at least 500 people per day, I can say from my point of view that people are just plain ignorant and lack common courtesy, are oblivious to their surroundings, or a combination of all three.  My biggest pet peave is when I hold the door open for someone and they either consider themselves too good for you to offer a "thanks" or, more often the case, they simply lack the most minor of social and interaction skills.  If you cant express your small appreciation for someone holding a door open for you, then really what can you offer beyond that to someone?  Maybe its me, but I was always shown, simply by parental example, to always make use of manners.  Its common courtesy, common decency.

I cant speak for other countries, but Ive become rather skeptical of how "friendly" Americans are always said to be considered by citizens of other countries.  I really dont see it much at all anymore and I increasingly am finding myself isolating myself from people more often than ever on account of their complete ignorance and disrespect towards others.  I think socially, in the US, we are heading in completely the wrong direction.  No room in our worlds for anyone but ourselves, and of course if there are others in that world, we are always at "number 1."  Or maybe my public job makes me more sensitive to it all.

[kf08]

My biggest pet peave is when I hold the door open for someone and they either consider themselves too good for you to offer a "thanks" or, more often the case, they simply lack the most minor of social and interaction skills.  If you cant express your small appreciation for someone holding a door open for you, then really what can you offer beyond that to someone?  Maybe its me, but I was always shown, simply by parental example, to always make use of manners.  Its common courtesy, common decency.

Steve, please keep opening those doors.  I can't imagine dealing with the public all day, but I do think it is the small kindnesses that can make a difference and to those who do notice, you've made a difference.  Sometimes, that kind of act can change a person's mood.  I agree that we have an epidemic of grumpiness, but when I see all the goodness on Kiva, I have to think there's hope, even for us grumpy Americans. 

Lynn

[waywardcats]

My biggest pet peeve is when I hold the door open for someone and they either consider themselves too good for you to offer a "thanks" or, more often the case, they simply lack the most minor of social and interaction skills.  If you cant express your small appreciation for someone holding a door open for you, then really what can you offer beyond that to someone?  Maybe its me, but I was always shown, simply by parental example, to always make use of manners.  Its common courtesy, common decency.

I always say thank you on the rare occasions when a stranger opens a door for me.  I hope you keep it up too.  When I spent most of my time on a University campus a couple of years ago I am sad to say it was more common for the door to be slammed in my face than to have it held open for me.  Makes me feel old and crotchety, but I have to think "what are those parents teaching these kids?"

I do have to say that over the past few months I have had a surprising number of people offer to let me skip in front of them in a grocery line.  I only do it if I am in a hurry, but I always let them know that I appreciate the offer very much.  That hadn't happened to me in years, and suddenly it has happened about four times this year already.

-Kerry-

[cpbailey]

I think we are just overly busy and distracted at times.  I have lived in the same place for five years.  When I arrived, people would wave you through the parking lot.  Many homes were built, and now the same streets I am cut off, watching for erratic driving.  It is now just like the Bay Area.  Too many rats in the same cage causes aggression, and I think people react to it to.

I hate celphone over use.  I mean when someone is talking on a phone in a public bathroom!!!!   Come on. 

Colette

[Jan & John]

Calgarians were always proud of the friendly cowtown image -  tip your hat and howdy ma-am.

In recent years that has changed - the economy here boomed and people just became to busy to be friendly - too crowded to leave space for someone else - too much in a hurry to hold open a door for another - sad but oh so true.

However - my mom always said two wrongs don't make a right...

so those of us who can will and should continue...
to smile (especially at strangers)...
converse even while in a long grocery line...
put other people first (and set your own agenda aside for a moment)

Someone will notice and pay it forward down the road - don't give up now!

jan

[KivanSteven]

Maybe it all has to do with the more simple way of life.  Also, around the world, especially in Asia and Africa, there is a more communal tone to one's livelihood, success, and well being.  In Western culture everything is almost entirely individualistic as far as success and society is concerned--how it is structured.  Of course there are positives and negatives to both brands of society, but I think the rude disregard of one another is definitely a side effect of an individualistic society.  We are ready to use or turn our back on someone to get ahead as oppossed to befriending one and working with them in order that we might both get ahead.  A mentality perhaps...Also I think there is something to be said for the kind and loving poor, who obtain some spiritual quality and mental rejuvenation when they can disregard their own difficulties to extend a hand, a gesture, or a word of kindness to a stranger.

Ill tell you there are times my kindness is severly tested, maybe because I try to be so overly kind that I wrongfully expect or even feel I deserve even a second of thankful acknowledgment from a stranger whom I went out of my way to respect and acknowledge either verbally or by action, but I know the person I end up being rude and ignorant towards will always turn out to be the person that would have held the door for me, thanked me, smiled at me, or respected me in some manner, and if so I would only be spreading the ignorance...so its always worth sucking it up and maintaining the kindness and integrity you try to live by in order that you influence people positively as opposed to negatively.

[Diane R]

In case anyone worries that this sense of caring about others is gone altogether, I'd like to say here how very proud I am of my younger son.  Somehow he has an easy knack with others.  He is invariably friendly, making small-talk in lines, holding doors for others, offering to help carry things, giving up his seat on a bus, and always thanking others for their help and acknowledging the thank-you's he gets (but in somewhat typical teenager fashion, he tends to say, "No worries!" as a response instead of, "You're welcome!").  He has this easy grace, and an easy connection with others... and I guess that's good, because by appearance he might scare little old ladies who aren't so comfortable around teenaged boys.  (He's 6'6" tall, with a water polo player's physique, very long hair, and a little starter-goatee, and oh yeah he rides a motorcycle, too.) 

I'm just so proud of him for being the friendly, caring person so many of us are forgetting to be these days.  I hope this bodes well for that younger generation!

--Diane.

[KivanSteven]

I think it makes us all feel a bit better as well Diane, knowing that there are still plenty of respectful people left out there, particularly amongst the younger generation.  Thanks for the positive.

[RichardF]

According to the Happy Planet Index,    life is good in the Caribbean!  Any self-respecting U.S. college student already knew that.  

EDIT:

But seriously... 

The author of this index, the British New Economics Foundation, has some interesting and Kivaesque things to say about well-being.  For example, in their Are You Happy? pdf brochure, they say...

AN (UN)HAPPY PLANET

Those of us in the developed world are getting richer but not any happier and we’re
damaging the only planet we have in the process.

The vast majority of governments across the world measure success in terms of
economic growth, without questioning whether the relentless pursuit of ever greater GDP
is sustainable, or if it encourages individuals and communities to flourish and enjoy
truly meaningful and happy lives.

Quite simply, by defining progress in terms of material wealth and targets met, we
often neglect to measure the things that really make us happy – and what gets
measured, matters. (P. 34)
THE BARE FACTS

• People who place a high value on material goods and income are
  more dissatisfied with their lives, have poorer relationships and
  lower well-being. 87 per cent of Britons think that society today is “too
  materialistic, with too much emphasis on money and not enough on
  the things that really matter”.
  
• nef’s Happy Planet Index shows that the UK is hugely inefficient
  at converting planetary resources into well-being. Costa Ricans,
  for example, live just as long as people in the UK, report greater
  satisfaction with their lives, yet have less than half the
  ecological footprint.
  
• Sixty two per cent of people in the UK have jobs that they find too
  stressful or uninteresting.
  
• In Britain, levels of trust in other people halved since the 1950s.
  
• Mental illnesses, particularly anxiety disorders and depression,
  cause around 40 per cent of all Incapacity Benefit claims in the UK.
  
• Happy people live longer and healthier lives. People who report
  frequent happy feelings are less likely to suffer from stroke and
  cardio-vascular disease, and live up to seven years longer than those
  who are less happy. (p. 35)
  

OUR VISION

Well-being is about more than individual happiness and satisfaction – it also includes
developing as a person, being fulfilled and contributing to society – and achieving this
within our environmental limits.

At nef, we believe it is possible to lead long and happy lives without costing the earth.
The biggest barrier we face in achieving this is the way in which we currently define and
measure progress and success, on both a personal and social level. Government policy
focuses on growing the economy to enhance people’s income, but this has only a small
effect on well-being, with often devastating environmental consequences.

nef’s vision is of a society where wealth is defined and measured in terms of well-being.
This means recognising and supporting what really makes us happy – meaningful work,
time with our friends and family, creative education and a real sense of community. Only
then can we move towards a truly flourishing society.
WHAT WE'RE DOING

• Re-thinking ‘progress’
  nef is undertaking pioneering research that asks fundamental questions about how
  we view progress and consequently live our lives. Our Happy Planet Index takes a
  very different look at the wealth and poverty of nations, measuring the ecological
  efficiency with which countries deliver long and happy lives for their citizens.
  
• Developing new ways of measuring
  nef is developing and piloting new ways to measure well-being. Our work in this
  area includes designing a series of questions on personal and social well-being as
  part of the European Social Survey. This will enable comprehensive international
  comparisons of well-being to be made for the first time, across at least 25 countries.
  We are also working with some of the English Regional Development Agencies to
  develop measures that better integrate economic, social and environmental aspects
  of regional development.
  

[glenn5497]

I'm not a psychologist but I think a lot of it has to do with how we view our relationship with the world around us.  Having travelled in Asia and Africa, I found that, for the most part, the people are friendly and outgoing but I also found that these are people who are absolutely dependent on each other for their very survival. They understand that something that jeopardizes the community jeopardizes their existence and as such will go out of their way to ensure harmony in the larger community. When confronted with the choice between personal gain or community harmony, they will forgo their own interests. The fact that it is prevalent in rural areas and not so much in larger population centers would reinforce it. Also, people in third world countries are not so nearly wrapped up in individualism because they've seen that they are not very important as an individual but they are extremely important as a contributing member of the society around them. Not so much in Europe where, like the US and Canada, people are a little more self sufficient and do not view their community as their safety net against calamity. For the most part they have the resources to survive, either as an individual or as a family unit, any calamity so it gives them the luxury of being motivated more by self interest and less by social interaction. 

Here in the US you see the same dynamic to a lesser scale if you look at it from the aspect of the larger cities vs. the rural communities. When your "community" gets too large, your vision gets real narrow. 

[waywardcats]

I'm just so proud of him for being the friendly, caring person so many of us are forgetting to be these days.

--Diane.

Speaks volumes about his parents.   

[Jan & John]

I'm not a psychologist but I think a lot of it has to do with how we view our relationship with the world ....

 When your "community" gets too large, your vision gets real narrow. 

I really think that's why the ecovillages in Africa will some day be sending money our way - because they are working toward self sustaining communities - and we are just trying to get our best bang for our buck--

n'est ce pas?  jan